Creating closeness with another person (and maybe even love!)

 

This blog is a departure from my usual as it is about building deeper, more positive connections with other people. I worked as a psychologist for over 40 years and the studies that I want to describe here are among the most powerful and effective at building such connections. The original studies have faded from public memory, so this seems like a good time to revive them, given how powerfully effective they were at building closeness between people.

So… back in 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron developed a set of 36 questions as part of a study titled, ‘The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings,’ (full citation below). These questions were designed to be asked alternately by two people in a structured way, with each set becoming progressively more searching and personal. The goal was to accelerate feelings of closeness and intimacy through mutual self-disclosure, rather than specifically to make people fall in love. However, some pairs in the original study did develop romantic connections and one couple even married, which is how the studies got the nickname ‘36 questions to fall in love’.

Here are the main details at the core of the studies. The procedure involves two people who may know each other, but who might not:

    1. Taking turns asking and answering each question (the full set of 36 questions is given in the Appendix below).
    2. Sharing honestly and listening attentively. 
    3. Ending with four minutes of sustained eye contact. 

The questions are divided into three sets, starting light and becoming deeper. When done thoroughly, the process takes about 45-90 minutes.

The effects of taking part in the original studies were then measured through self-reported closeness scales, post-interaction interviews, and follow-up observations, with comparisons to control groups who simply engaged in small talk. The pairs asking the 36 questions showed significantly stronger bonds than the ‘small talk’ pairs.

Some of the main effects found in the original 1997 study and subsequent research included:

    • Increased closeness and connection: Pairs reported substantially greater emotional bonds after taking part, often surpassing the intimacy levels felt with long-term acquaintances. This was attributed to reciprocal openness, with participants feeling more understood and connected than in neutral conversation conditions. 
      
    • Emotional impacts: Many participants experienced profound responses, such as crying, candid sharing of personal regrets or dreams, and a sense of emotional barriers breaking down, leading to feelings of trust and empathy even among strangers. 
      
    • Romantic and relational outcomes: As mentioned above, in the initial experiments, one pair fell in love and later married, while other effects included the development of friendships, romantic interest, or reignited excitement in long-term couples through evoking new understanding and deeper disclosure. 
      
    • Broader benefits: Adaptations of the technique sometimes led to reduced prejudice between groups, improved social integration among students, and built trust in community settings, such as between police and residents. However, these effects were not universal. Some people in group settings found this process invasive and long-term connections varied, sometimes fading naturally. 
      
To achieve effects within groups, rather then the effects on pairs of individuals, the core technique needed adapting, for example using ways that help people realise shared humanity or values that they didn’t know were there. This could be by asking such questions as “What’s your story?” or “How did you get through that challenge?” as questions such as these can help build connections without pressuring people about their views.

I am not aware of any objective assessment of the success or otherwise of these group engagements. I got the impression though that the group techniques may not be as effective as the 36 questions used in pairs, which are powerfully effective at building closeness between two people.

Conclusion

My impression is that we are living in times of greater polarisation and division between people, so low-cost methods for building closeness, empathy and intimacy, may be very useful.

And this evidence-based technique does have at least one connection with the overall theme of these blogs, it has the power to transform many people’s lives in enlightening ways!

Sources

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003


Aron, E. N. (2015). 36 questions for intimacy, back story. Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-highly-sensitive-person/201501/36-questions-for-intimacy-back-story

SciShow Psych (2018). The Science of the 36 Questions That Help People Fall in Love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rvm_4qJYMzI

Appendix 1

Here are the original 36 questions:

Set I

    1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?   
    2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?   
    3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?   
    4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?   
    5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?   
    6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?   
    7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?   
    8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.   
    9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?   
    10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?   
    11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.   
    12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? 

Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know? 
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? 
16. What do you value most in a friendship? 
17. What is your most treasured memory? 
18. What is your most terrible memory? 
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? 
20. What does friendship mean to you? 
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. 
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? 
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III 

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…” 
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” 
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. 
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. 
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. 
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? 
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. 
32. What is too serious to be joked about? 
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? 
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? 
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? 
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it.
Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

The final step is to stare into each other's eyes silently for four minutes.

Key words

closeness, emotions, feelings, interpersonal, intimacy, love, pairs, relationships, 

Link

https://herethewaking.blogspot.com/2025/12/creating-closeness-with-another-person.html

Archived at

https://cantab.academia.edu/PeterForster